I have a master’s degree in social work. I have spent years studying human behavior, attachment, communication, and what makes relationships actually work. I genuinely love people — deeply, intentionally, and sometimes embarrassingly enthusiastically.
And I have spent most of my life confused about my own social needs.
I’m an extroverted introvert — which sounds like a contradiction until you live inside it. I crave deep, genuine connection more than almost anything. I also need significant amounts of alone time to feel like a functioning human being. For most of my life, those two realities have been in a constant tug-of-war, and I’ve had to learn — slowly, imperfectly, and sometimes the hard way — how to honor both.
Here’s what I’ve figured out: most of us are never really taught how to do relationships well. We’re taught to be polite, to share, to say sorry, but not how to repair, how to show up, how to communicate what we actually need, or how to let go of what’s no longer working. We figure it out by trial and error and carry the bruises of every lesson.
The things on this list are what I wish someone had handed me at 20. Some of them I learned from the research. Some from the MSW program. Most from living — from loving people badly before I loved them better, from relationships that cracked me open and ones that quietly slipped away. All of it taught me something.
This is what I’ve got. I hope it saves you some of the hard way.
1. Who you spend time with shapes who you become. Your environment is not passive — it’s formative.
The conversations you’re in, the people you’re around, the standards that are normalized in your circles — all of it is shaping you whether you’re paying attention or not. This isn’t about being elitist about your relationships. It’s about being honest that proximity has power. Get intentional about the rooms you’re in.
2. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s the price of real connection.
You cannot have deep relationships without risk. Being known requires being seen, and being seen requires letting your guard down. The people worth having in your life will not use your vulnerability against you. And if they do, that’s important information too.
3. Intentionally nurture the right relationships and show up in the ways that are meaningful to them — not you. Don’t leave closeness to chance.
Relationships don’t stay close on their own. They require tending. And the most important part of tending is learning how the other person actually receives love, effort, and care — and doing that, even when it’s not your natural mode. Closeness is a choice you make repeatedly, not a status you achieve once.
4. Have the hard conversations. Clarity is an act of love.
Avoiding the difficult conversation to keep the peace is almost never actually keeping the peace. It’s just relocating the conflict to somewhere internal where it festers. Saying the hard thing kindly, directly, and with love is one of the most respectful things you can do for another person. Vague kindness is not kindness. It’s avoidance with better manners.
5. Approach conflict as “we” not “me.”
The moment you make conflict about winning, you’ve already lost something more important than the argument. Shifting to “we have a problem to solve” instead of “you’re the problem” changes everything about how a disagreement lands, and whether the relationship survives it intact.
6. Arguing is okay. How you come back from conflict defines a relationship more than whether you had it.
Healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free — they’re repair-rich. The couples, friends, and families who last aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who know how to find their way back to each other after they do. Repair is the skill. Practice it.
7. Ask “Do you want to vent, be helped, or be hugged?” Clarify the need before offering the wrong thing.
One of the most common sources of relational friction is mismatched support. Someone needs to be heard, and you launch into solutions. Someone needs advice, and you just validate. Ask first. It takes ten seconds and saves everyone a lot of frustration, and it communicates that you’re paying attention to what they actually need, not just what’s easiest for you to give.
8. Be a loud listener.
Listening isn’t passive. It’s a full-contact sport. Make eye contact. Put your phone down. Nod. Reflect back what you heard. Ask follow-up questions. Let people feel the weight of your attention. That kind of listening is rare enough to be genuinely life-changing, and people will tell you things they’ve never told anyone when they feel truly heard.
9. Put your phone down when someone is talking to you.
This one is simple, and we all know it, and most of us still don’t do it consistently. Full presence is one of the rarest and most meaningful gifts you can give another person. The phone can wait. The moment can’t. And the people watching you choose your screen over them remember it — even when they don’t say so.
10. Be where your feet are.
Divided presence is not presence. When you’re with someone, be with them — not half there and half somewhere else in your head or on your phone. The people in front of you are the ones who are actually in your life. The ones on the screen can wait. Treat the people in front of you like the priority they are.
11. Don’t treat loved ones like emotional ATMs.
Constantly withdrawing — venting, needing, taking — without depositing will overdraft the account. The people who love you most are not infinitely resourced. Check in on them. Give as much as you take. Ask how they’re doing and actually mean it. The best relationships have a rhythm of give and take that both people can feel.
12. Shoot for a 5:1 ratio of positive to critical interactions with loved ones.
Research consistently backs this one up. For every piece of criticism or negative interaction, you need roughly five positive ones to maintain a healthy relational balance. Most people are running a deficit without realizing it, not because they’re unkind, but because the negative moments are louder and the positive ones feel ordinary. Make the ordinary ones count.
13. Access is conditional. Respect is not.
Not everyone gets full access to your time, your energy, your inner world. That’s a boundary, and it’s healthy. You are allowed to limit, reduce, or revoke access to your life without explanation or guilt. But everyone, regardless of what access they have, deserves basic human dignity. You can limit someone completely and still treat them with respect. Both things are true.
14. Silence is loud.
When someone comes at you with chaos, cruelty, or drama designed to provoke a reaction, silence is a valid and often powerful response. You don’t owe everyone a rebuttal. You don’t have to defend yourself against every accusation or engage with every bait. Sometimes the most dignified thing you can do is say nothing at all and let that speak for itself.
15. When in doubt, love. And do it big.
When you don’t know what to say, lead with love. When you don’t know what to do, lead with love. When the situation is complicated, and the right answer isn’t clear, love loudly and figure out the rest as you go. You will rarely regret erring on the side of more. The regret almost always lives on the other side.
16. Walk in the messy with people. “I’m with you” goes a long way.
You don’t have to have the answers. You don’t have to fix it. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer someone is just your presence — undistracted, unhurried, and fully there. “I’m with you” is one of the most underrated things you can say to another human being. Say it more.
17. When you notice something nice about someone — tell them. Give the stranger the compliment too.
That thought you had about someone’s laugh, their work, their outfit, their kindness — say it out loud. You don’t have to become best friends with the stranger in line. You just have to say the thing. It costs you nothing and might mean everything to them. The world gets measurably sweeter when more people say what they actually think about each other.
18. If you thought of someone randomly — check in. That nudge is rarely an accident.
When someone pops into your head out of nowhere, send the text. Make the call. Say the thing. You don’t need a reason or a perfectly crafted message. “I was just thinking about you” is reason enough, and you have no idea how much it might mean on the other side. Trust the nudge.
19. Celebrate others loudly and often.
Someone else’s win is not a threat to yours. Cheer loudly, show up to the thing, send the flowers, and post the congratulations without a qualifier. People remember who celebrated them, and who couldn’t be bothered. Be the person who makes other people feel seen in their best moments, not just their hardest ones. Joy shared multiplies.
20. Stop trying to be interesting. Be interested. Ask questions.
The most magnetic people in any room aren’t the ones with the best stories to tell. They’re the ones who make you feel like your story matters. Shift your energy from performing to curiosity. Ask better questions. Listen to the answers. Follow the thread. That’s the whole skill, and almost nobody is doing it well.
21. Create value for those around you. If you treat people like a transaction, you’ll end up short-changed.
Show up with something to offer — your time, your encouragement, your skills, your presence. People remember how you made them feel, not what you extracted from them. The most connected people aren’t the ones who networked hardest. They’re the ones who gave most generously without keeping score.
22. Have context friends. Someone doesn’t have to be a friend for everything.
Your work friend, your gym friend, your neighborhood friend. These relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing to be valuable. Trying to make every connection a deep, multi-context friendship puts pressure on both people that most relationships can’t hold. Let people be exactly what they are. That’s enough.
23. Some relationships have seasons. Let them end without making them enemies.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s not a failure. People come into your life for reasons and seasons, and forcing something past its natural expiration date often does more damage than the ending would have. You can honor what something was without pretending it’s still what it used to be. Graceful endings are a skill.
24. Don’t allow the pursuit of financial success to come at the expense of your deepest relationships.
Money is a tool. It is not a destination, and it is definitely not a substitute for the people who will show up at your worst moments. The wealthiest people who are also the loneliest are a cautionary tale worth taking seriously. Build the career. Chase the goals. Just don’t do it at the cost of the people who matter most.
25. Talk to people unlike you. Complementary is just as important as compatibility — different people bring new colors to your life.
Some of the most important relationships in my life are with people who think, believe, and live very differently from me. That friction (when it’s respectful) is where growth actually happens. Don’t just collect people who confirm what you already think. The echo chamber feels safe and keeps you small.
26. Get local. Build networks.
Your neighborhood, your city, your community — these are underrated. There is something irreplaceable about having roots somewhere and people who know your name. The erosion of the local community is one of the quietest loneliness epidemics happening right now. Invest locally and watch how much richer your life gets.
27. Find value-aligned rooms.
Not every room deserves your presence. Seek out communities, groups, and spaces where the values actually match yours — where people are growing in directions you respect, having conversations that stretch you, and building things that matter. The right room will raise your baseline without you even trying.
28. Ask your parents and grandparents to tell you their stories — and record them.
One day you will want to hear their voice again and you won’t be able to. Ask the questions now. Record the answers. The stories about who they were before you existed — the struggles, the choices, the things they’ve never told anyone — are some of the most important things you will ever hear. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
29. Digitize the VHS tapes, the 8mm film, the printed photos. Protect your memories.
Physical memories degrade. Hard drives fail. Houses burn. Get the tapes converted, back up the photos, store them somewhere safe and redundant. One day, those grainy, imperfect recordings will be all you have left of someone, and you will be so glad you protected them when you had the chance.
30. Experience stories worth telling.
Say yes to the trip. Go to the concert. Take the class. Do the thing that scares you a little. Share meals with people. Have the conversations that go past midnight. Life is significantly more interesting, and your relationships significantly deeper, when you’re actively living it together rather than watching other people live theirs on a screen.
Want more of this?
If this list resonated with you, you’re going to love what’s inside my emails. I write about the stuff that actually matters — relationships, rhythms, systems, and the honest, unglamorous work of building a life that feels like yours. No fluff. No performance. Just the real stuff, from someone who’s still figuring it out alongside you.
Join the list — I’d love to have you.
